For the sake of clarification.

There is something I need to clarify. You see, for my entire life until I was saved, by the world's standards, I hated myself. I felt awkward, unimportant, unnecessary, disposable, etc. i.e: lowest of low self-esteem. Because my focus was always myself, ME, I was quite self-centered and in turn became depressed and paranoid. I always thought if another person got to know me, the real me, they would reject me. Ironically, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy for me, for years. Then, God saved me, by His grace alone and I saw myself for who I really am. And I'm humbled. And I continue to be so.

Dictionary.com defines humility as: modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc..

But Philippians 2:3 commands me to put others before myself while also defining humility this way:


'Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.'    So, when I as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ began to practice this, and I started to thank God for saving a terrible sinner such as myself and I realized how deceitfully wicked my heart really is, as Jeremiah 17:9 tells me, 


                      "The heart is deceitful above all things,
                              And desperately wicked;
                                  Who can know it?"  


and this attitude spilled over into every area of my life, it seemed a bit like I was still that girl who felt terrible about herself, similar to who I was before I was saved.

But I, as a believer, am supposed to have low self-esteem.  I submit to you however, that this kind of low self-esteem is much different than the kind of low self esteem that causes depression and sadness. No, in fact it has the opposite effect. I have noticed that seeing myself the way that I really am naturally - selfish, proud, arrogant of heart - is really quite freeing. Challenging and painful sometimes too, but freeing nonetheless. I think the freedom that is spoken of in John 8 includes this liberation:

'So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.'  (John 8:36)

The ability look at myself in the mirror, see the blemishes, the ugliness and then realizing the joy I can have because when the Lord sees me now, I am no longer covered in dirt and muck as I was when I was steeped in my sin, no, He sees the blood that He Himself shed on the cross, so that I might be saved. He saved me. Not because of anything that I had done,as it is written in Ephesians 2:

'For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.' (Ephesians 2:8-9)


So, do I always esteem others better than myself?  No.  But I am growing and changing into a woman who does. This gives me hope. Do I hate myself? No. I hate my sinful flesh that wants to lead me astray, but I love the Spirit that always directs my paths for me, when I put my trust in Him first, and not myself:

 'Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
      And lean not on your own understanding;
        In all your ways acknowledge Him,
      And He shall direct your paths.'             (Proverbs 3:5-6)

And who better to direct my paths than the sovereign Lord, the Creator of the universe? There is none greater than He.