Dirty word.

    I had a realization on Monday. Realizations can be upsetting at first but as you come to grips with them, they become easier to deal with. This is one of those times that the realization was utterly overwhelming. Now I am going to digress for a moment so please be patient with me - I will make it back to my point.
    I was told from a young age that I was a sinner. I was raised in the catholic church and knew that Jesus died for sinners (although was taught that my "goodness" could keep me in right standing with God. I do not believe that this is a biblical concept.). Never did I fully grasp the weight or seriousness of my sin and how my sin was literally part of what nailed Jesus Christ to the cross, until I was saved by grace as an adult. So God saved me and I remember feeling overwhelmed with shame for the things I had done to hurt others, myself, and just all the bad stuff I had done my whole life. How humbling to be walking in ignorance - kind of like walking unknowingly through your day with dirt on your face and when you get home you look in the mirror and finally see it - and then finally in one moment, see myself the way that God saw me, in my sin. And how disgusting my sin was/is. That's right, I said "is." Which brings me to my point.
    I realized the other day that before I was saved, I thought I was a "good" person. I was nice to people. Then God saved me, I saw my sin for what it is and now, years later, I feel like I'm a worse sinner than I was before I was saved. Now, in all reality, is this true? No. God has transformed me in so many ways (See 2Corinthians 5:17,"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." Ezekiel 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." and John 8:36 "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." (among others))  But as I grow in holiness, and grow closer to a Holy God, I see the filth of my own flesh in comparison to His sinless perfection.
    Does this mean that I am ready to give up, or that I have a horrible image of myself now? No, on the contrary, He has become my strength, as the Word says in 2Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..." And as Paul talks about in Philippians 3:3, I have no confidence in my own flesh as I did prior to my salvation. My own choices got me into terrible trouble!
    So, I press on. I trust that as God deals with me, I will grow for sure, but there will always be things that have to be dealt with that threaten to put a wedge in my relationship with Him. He's never changing so I think that it's pretty obvious that I'm the problem. And I pray that as painful as it is, that He continues to reveal to me where my hidden sin is. I don't want anything to cause a brother or sister to stumble, or to hurt my testimony to a non-believer. Perfection will not be attained as He is the only perfect One, but man! I want to be more like Him!  : )

A quick afterthought: If any of you wonder what I mean when I say "sin," imagine yourself in a huge crowded auditorium. Imagine that on the big screen hanging in the front of the room a movie is about to begin. It just happens to be a movie of your life. From the moment that you were born until the present. Every moment. Now close your eyes and imagine all of the little moments. The moments when you were alone. Every private thought, every public action broadcast for everyone to see. The shameful moments. The moments that you would do anything in your power to prevent others from seeing. It's safe to say that those would be sins/sinful moments. Although this is a clearly hypothetical situation, the God of the universe has seen all of it. Knows all of it. So even the things you thought were "hidden," He saw. Something to think about. How does that sin compare to a Holy, Righteous God?  We all need salvation from our sins and Jesus is the One through whom it can be found...

 "Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened,
      That it cannot save;
      Nor His ear heavy,
      That it cannot hear.
       ² But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
      And your sins have hidden His face from you,
      So that He will not hear."
                                         Isaiah 59:1-2

"When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”
                                                                                        Mark 2:17

“The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel.”
                                                                                        Mark 1:15

"For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation."    2 Corinthians 6:2

Please friend, consider these things. Put your faith in Christ only, for your salvation. Your good works are filthy to the Lord. They will not get you into heaven on that day...

"But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, Have taken us away."     Isaiah 64:6