There is something I need to clarify. You see, for my entire life until I was saved, by the world's standards, I hated myself. I felt awkward, unimportant, unnecessary, disposable, etc. i.e: lowest of low self-esteem. Because my focus was always myself, ME, I was quite self-centered and in turn became depressed and paranoid. I always thought if another person got to know me, the real me, they would reject me. Ironically, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy for me, for years. Then, God saved me, by His grace alone and I saw myself for who I really am. And I'm humbled. And I continue to be so.
Dictionary.com defines humility as: modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc..
But Philippians 2:3 commands me to put others before myself while also defining humility this way:
'Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.' So, when I as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ began to practice this, and I started to thank God for saving a terrible sinner such as myself and I realized how deceitfully wicked my heart really is, as Jeremiah 17:9 tells me,
"The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?"
and this attitude spilled over into every area of my life, it seemed a bit like I was still that girl who felt terrible about herself, similar to who I was before I was saved.
But I, as a believer, am supposed to have low self-esteem. I submit to you however, that this kind of low self-esteem is much different than the kind of low self esteem that causes depression and sadness. No, in fact it has the opposite effect. I have noticed that seeing myself the way that I really am naturally - selfish, proud, arrogant of heart - is really quite freeing. Challenging and painful sometimes too, but freeing nonetheless. I think the freedom that is spoken of in John 8 includes this liberation:
'So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' (John 8:36)
The ability look at myself in the mirror, see the blemishes, the ugliness and then realizing the joy I can have because when the Lord sees me now, I am no longer covered in dirt and muck as I was when I was steeped in my sin, no, He sees the blood that He Himself shed on the cross, so that I might be saved. He saved me. Not because of anything that I had done,as it is written in Ephesians 2:
'For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.' (Ephesians 2:8-9)
So, do I always esteem others better than myself? No. But I am growing and changing into a woman who does. This gives me hope. Do I hate myself? No. I hate my sinful flesh that wants to lead me astray, but I love the Spirit that always directs my paths for me, when I put my trust in Him first, and not myself:
'Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.' (Proverbs 3:5-6)
And who better to direct my paths than the sovereign Lord, the Creator of the universe? There is none greater than He.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
A prayer.
Change me, Lord. Break me. Mold me into the woman, wife and mother You want me to be. Show me what that looks like. Let me see who she is and strive to be her everyday. Break down these walls of hurt and anger and frustration and protection that I’ve built around me for 33 years. Let me be surrounded not by walls, but by You. By your promises, your Word, your truth, your love. Please, Lord. Please. I need You.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
How do you measure a decade?
This week we are celebrating in my house. The occasion, you ask? Why, my baby is turning 10. That's right, the big 1-0. Double digits. I am in disbelief, I must say. 10 years old.
Ten years ago this week, I was about to give birth to a baby. And I was so scared and felt so alone. My mom and Mark were so supportive during this overwhelming time, yet I still felt alone. And even after my baby came, I felt alone. You see, I was so focused on myself and the thing that I'd lost that I didn't see the beautiful thing that I'd gained. I fled from responsibility, and when I felt my freedom leaving me, well I fought long and hard for it. Freedom for me meant going out after work, staying out as late as I wanted. My baby was safe and sound with my parents so it was okay. Right?
I resented for a long time, the responsibility that comes with parenting. How inconveniencing it can be. And maybe some of you think, "How much more selfish can one mom get?" Yep, that was me. The epitome of selfishness.
It's a wonder to me. God's grace. How in the world I would get a second chance at raising this daughter of mine, the right way, is beyond me. It's been about twenty months since my last drink. And I've spent that time trying to make right all the things that I did wrong. And it's a struggle. Every day, I still battle the selfishness, the self-centeredness. The fear. But the difference between who I was then and who I am now is simple. The freedom that I have because of Jesus Christ is so much sweeter than the "freedom" that I had when I could go out and drink whenever I wanted. That "freedom," in all actuality, is bondage, not freedom at all. It was Thanksgiving night of 2008 when I realized how shameful my life really was, how sinful. And I acknowledged that sin before God and realized that I wasn't fooling Him or anybody else. I put my faith in Jesus Christ that night. And I've never been the same.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17
Ten years ago this week, I was about to give birth to a baby. And I was so scared and felt so alone. My mom and Mark were so supportive during this overwhelming time, yet I still felt alone. And even after my baby came, I felt alone. You see, I was so focused on myself and the thing that I'd lost that I didn't see the beautiful thing that I'd gained. I fled from responsibility, and when I felt my freedom leaving me, well I fought long and hard for it. Freedom for me meant going out after work, staying out as late as I wanted. My baby was safe and sound with my parents so it was okay. Right?
I resented for a long time, the responsibility that comes with parenting. How inconveniencing it can be. And maybe some of you think, "How much more selfish can one mom get?" Yep, that was me. The epitome of selfishness.
It's a wonder to me. God's grace. How in the world I would get a second chance at raising this daughter of mine, the right way, is beyond me. It's been about twenty months since my last drink. And I've spent that time trying to make right all the things that I did wrong. And it's a struggle. Every day, I still battle the selfishness, the self-centeredness. The fear. But the difference between who I was then and who I am now is simple. The freedom that I have because of Jesus Christ is so much sweeter than the "freedom" that I had when I could go out and drink whenever I wanted. That "freedom," in all actuality, is bondage, not freedom at all. It was Thanksgiving night of 2008 when I realized how shameful my life really was, how sinful. And I acknowledged that sin before God and realized that I wasn't fooling Him or anybody else. I put my faith in Jesus Christ that night. And I've never been the same.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17
Sunday, June 13, 2010
One Year
So, I have started a group on Facebook that’s going to read through the Old Testament. It should take us about a year to do it. A little bit at a time, a little patience and before you know it, a year will be up and I’ll finally be able to say that I’ve read the entire Bible. Something I consider very important for someone who claims to love it so much. And I do. I love it so much. I’m reading it and learning who my God is. And nothing beats that.
I must be honest that I also, somewhat unsuccessfully, started a FB group and read through the New Testament. We got through it although, the number of members dwindled from about 10 to 3. I’m sure people dropped off for many different reasons. It’s a big commitment, one that can be time consuming, depending on how much you read per day. I think we started out too big, 3 chapters a day. Doesn’t seem like that big of a number does it? 3? It’s not. But I’ll tell you what, it was a struggle to keep up some days! And as shameful as it is for me to admit it, there were days I just didn’t want to read God’s Word (see my very last post for more on this). Didn’t want to. The One who came to earth to die for me. I didn’t want to read His Word.
Listen to me for a moment if you will; it’s not about “if you read a few chapters a day, this will happen,” or “if you don’t read a few chapters a day, then this will happen,” it’s about having an attitude of adoration for the Lord, wanting to get to know Him through His Word. There’s no formula to follow that will make it easy. It’s a choice. Let me repeat it again for me. It’s a choice. And I want to commit to one year of my life as He gave me His entire life as a ransom for many. One year vs. entire life. One year < entire life.
Won’t you join me? He is deserving you know…
http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=134606026552348
I must be honest that I also, somewhat unsuccessfully, started a FB group and read through the New Testament. We got through it although, the number of members dwindled from about 10 to 3. I’m sure people dropped off for many different reasons. It’s a big commitment, one that can be time consuming, depending on how much you read per day. I think we started out too big, 3 chapters a day. Doesn’t seem like that big of a number does it? 3? It’s not. But I’ll tell you what, it was a struggle to keep up some days! And as shameful as it is for me to admit it, there were days I just didn’t want to read God’s Word (see my very last post for more on this). Didn’t want to. The One who came to earth to die for me. I didn’t want to read His Word.
Listen to me for a moment if you will; it’s not about “if you read a few chapters a day, this will happen,” or “if you don’t read a few chapters a day, then this will happen,” it’s about having an attitude of adoration for the Lord, wanting to get to know Him through His Word. There’s no formula to follow that will make it easy. It’s a choice. Let me repeat it again for me. It’s a choice. And I want to commit to one year of my life as He gave me His entire life as a ransom for many. One year vs. entire life. One year < entire life.
Won’t you join me? He is deserving you know…
http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=134606026552348
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
On this day.
I need to get my eyes off of myself and on to Him. When my eyes are on myself (not literally, mind you), I'm selfish, self-centered, self-focused, self, self, me, Me, ME!!!! Ahhh, but when I get my eyes on the Lord, my priorities change, from bringing glory to myself to bringing glory to Him. Our society is all about self. And it is a daily challenge for me who is by nature very selfish to keep my focus where it ought to be, not where I want it to be.
Where is your focus today? Is your focus on you and your problems, or are you focused on the God you serve, the One who sacrificed so greatly for His children? Does He not deserve more than our hour a week at church? How much does He deserve? A day? A few prayers here and there? Or does He deserve much more from us?
Please understand that I do not give God everything that I should. As I write this, I am trying to stir myself up to do the right thing. And I'm not talking about ritual here, or a formula. That if you put in four hours a day then everything's good. And God doesn't need anything from me. He's God. He's perfect. But His Word says, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." Jesus Christ gave His life. His life. Should I not be grateful enough to dedicate my life to Him as well?
On this day, Lord.
Humble me, as I am proud.
Empower me, as I am weak.
Love me, as I am me.
Fill me with joy, when I am sorrowful.
Give me peace, when I am overwhelmed.
Help me to have patience, where I lack.
Help me be kind, when I want to be haughty.
May I be longsuffering, as you are.
Lord, I want to be more like you.
Please, Lord, I can't do it without You.
Where is your focus today? Is your focus on you and your problems, or are you focused on the God you serve, the One who sacrificed so greatly for His children? Does He not deserve more than our hour a week at church? How much does He deserve? A day? A few prayers here and there? Or does He deserve much more from us?
Please understand that I do not give God everything that I should. As I write this, I am trying to stir myself up to do the right thing. And I'm not talking about ritual here, or a formula. That if you put in four hours a day then everything's good. And God doesn't need anything from me. He's God. He's perfect. But His Word says, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." Jesus Christ gave His life. His life. Should I not be grateful enough to dedicate my life to Him as well?
On this day, Lord.
Humble me, as I am proud.
Empower me, as I am weak.
Love me, as I am me.
Fill me with joy, when I am sorrowful.
Give me peace, when I am overwhelmed.
Help me to have patience, where I lack.
Help me be kind, when I want to be haughty.
May I be longsuffering, as you are.
Lord, I want to be more like you.
Please, Lord, I can't do it without You.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Slow down!
I am thinking a lot right now about slooooooooooooowing down. I look around at the change of season, the sunshine, the flowers blooming and I feel like I'm too busy to enjoy it. What a shame. How hard it is for us to find the balance of the right amount of "busy" and the right amount of rest. I touched on this a bit in a previous post, talking about my struggle with laziness. Since then, the Lord has dolloped on me a huge amount of motivation, annnnnnnnd then allowed it to go away again.Such is life - a little bit of back and forth never hurt anyone, right?
I think it ends up being about balance. And fighting against my feelings. I don't *feel* like doing laundry. I don't *feel* like getting out of bed. I don't *feel* like working out. I don't *feel* like reading my bible. And what will I become? A sad and silly lazy, fat, foolish woman of God with no clean clothes.Shame on me. Relying on my fickle feelings has led me down the wrong path and innumerable amount of times in my life (still does), and the fact that I know this and still let them dictate the choices that I make and the reactions that I have is downright silly. Sad and silly. Feelings will get you into trouble my friends. You've got to rely on what's true, not what you feel.
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4:17
Lord, please help me to get my eyes off myself and focused on you. Help me to remember the things I've learned through your Word and not rely on my feelings anymore but on You alone, the Creator of the universe. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen
I think it ends up being about balance. And fighting against my feelings. I don't *feel* like doing laundry. I don't *feel* like getting out of bed. I don't *feel* like working out. I don't *feel* like reading my bible. And what will I become? A sad and silly lazy, fat, foolish woman of God with no clean clothes.Shame on me. Relying on my fickle feelings has led me down the wrong path and innumerable amount of times in my life (still does), and the fact that I know this and still let them dictate the choices that I make and the reactions that I have is downright silly. Sad and silly. Feelings will get you into trouble my friends. You've got to rely on what's true, not what you feel.
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4:17
Lord, please help me to get my eyes off myself and focused on you. Help me to remember the things I've learned through your Word and not rely on my feelings anymore but on You alone, the Creator of the universe. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Dirty word.
I had a realization on Monday. Realizations can be upsetting at first but as you come to grips with them, they become easier to deal with. This is one of those times that the realization was utterly overwhelming. Now I am going to digress for a moment so please be patient with me - I will make it back to my point.
I was told from a young age that I was a sinner. I was raised in the catholic church and knew that Jesus died for sinners (although was taught that my "goodness" could keep me in right standing with God. I do not believe that this is a biblical concept.). Never did I fully grasp the weight or seriousness of my sin and how my sin was literally part of what nailed Jesus Christ to the cross, until I was saved by grace as an adult. So God saved me and I remember feeling overwhelmed with shame for the things I had done to hurt others, myself, and just all the bad stuff I had done my whole life. How humbling to be walking in ignorance - kind of like walking unknowingly through your day with dirt on your face and when you get home you look in the mirror and finally see it - and then finally in one moment, see myself the way that God saw me, in my sin. And how disgusting my sin was/is. That's right, I said "is." Which brings me to my point.
I realized the other day that before I was saved, I thought I was a "good" person. I was nice to people. Then God saved me, I saw my sin for what it is and now, years later, I feel like I'm a worse sinner than I was before I was saved. Now, in all reality, is this true? No. God has transformed me in so many ways (See 2Corinthians 5:17,"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." Ezekiel 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." and John 8:36 "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." (among others)) But as I grow in holiness, and grow closer to a Holy God, I see the filth of my own flesh in comparison to His sinless perfection.
Does this mean that I am ready to give up, or that I have a horrible image of myself now? No, on the contrary, He has become my strength, as the Word says in 2Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..." And as Paul talks about in Philippians 3:3, I have no confidence in my own flesh as I did prior to my salvation. My own choices got me into terrible trouble!
So, I press on. I trust that as God deals with me, I will grow for sure, but there will always be things that have to be dealt with that threaten to put a wedge in my relationship with Him. He's never changing so I think that it's pretty obvious that I'm the problem. And I pray that as painful as it is, that He continues to reveal to me where my hidden sin is. I don't want anything to cause a brother or sister to stumble, or to hurt my testimony to a non-believer. Perfection will not be attained as He is the only perfect One, but man! I want to be more like Him! : )
A quick afterthought: If any of you wonder what I mean when I say "sin," imagine yourself in a huge crowded auditorium. Imagine that on the big screen hanging in the front of the room a movie is about to begin. It just happens to be a movie of your life. From the moment that you were born until the present. Every moment. Now close your eyes and imagine all of the little moments. The moments when you were alone. Every private thought, every public action broadcast for everyone to see. The shameful moments. The moments that you would do anything in your power to prevent others from seeing. It's safe to say that those would be sins/sinful moments. Although this is a clearly hypothetical situation, the God of the universe has seen all of it. Knows all of it. So even the things you thought were "hidden," He saw. Something to think about. How does that sin compare to a Holy, Righteous God? We all need salvation from our sins and Jesus is the One through whom it can be found...
"Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened,
That it cannot save;
Nor His ear heavy,
That it cannot hear.
2 But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
And your sins have hidden His face from you,
So that He will not hear."
Isaiah 59:1-2
"When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”
Mark 2:17
“The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel.”
Mark 1:15
"For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation." 2 Corinthians 6:2
Please friend, consider these things. Put your faith in Christ only, for your salvation. Your good works are filthy to the Lord. They will not get you into heaven on that day...
"But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, Have taken us away." Isaiah 64:6
I was told from a young age that I was a sinner. I was raised in the catholic church and knew that Jesus died for sinners (although was taught that my "goodness" could keep me in right standing with God. I do not believe that this is a biblical concept.). Never did I fully grasp the weight or seriousness of my sin and how my sin was literally part of what nailed Jesus Christ to the cross, until I was saved by grace as an adult. So God saved me and I remember feeling overwhelmed with shame for the things I had done to hurt others, myself, and just all the bad stuff I had done my whole life. How humbling to be walking in ignorance - kind of like walking unknowingly through your day with dirt on your face and when you get home you look in the mirror and finally see it - and then finally in one moment, see myself the way that God saw me, in my sin. And how disgusting my sin was/is. That's right, I said "is." Which brings me to my point.
I realized the other day that before I was saved, I thought I was a "good" person. I was nice to people. Then God saved me, I saw my sin for what it is and now, years later, I feel like I'm a worse sinner than I was before I was saved. Now, in all reality, is this true? No. God has transformed me in so many ways (See 2Corinthians 5:17,"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." Ezekiel 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." and John 8:36 "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." (among others)) But as I grow in holiness, and grow closer to a Holy God, I see the filth of my own flesh in comparison to His sinless perfection.
Does this mean that I am ready to give up, or that I have a horrible image of myself now? No, on the contrary, He has become my strength, as the Word says in 2Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..." And as Paul talks about in Philippians 3:3, I have no confidence in my own flesh as I did prior to my salvation. My own choices got me into terrible trouble!
So, I press on. I trust that as God deals with me, I will grow for sure, but there will always be things that have to be dealt with that threaten to put a wedge in my relationship with Him. He's never changing so I think that it's pretty obvious that I'm the problem. And I pray that as painful as it is, that He continues to reveal to me where my hidden sin is. I don't want anything to cause a brother or sister to stumble, or to hurt my testimony to a non-believer. Perfection will not be attained as He is the only perfect One, but man! I want to be more like Him! : )
A quick afterthought: If any of you wonder what I mean when I say "sin," imagine yourself in a huge crowded auditorium. Imagine that on the big screen hanging in the front of the room a movie is about to begin. It just happens to be a movie of your life. From the moment that you were born until the present. Every moment. Now close your eyes and imagine all of the little moments. The moments when you were alone. Every private thought, every public action broadcast for everyone to see. The shameful moments. The moments that you would do anything in your power to prevent others from seeing. It's safe to say that those would be sins/sinful moments. Although this is a clearly hypothetical situation, the God of the universe has seen all of it. Knows all of it. So even the things you thought were "hidden," He saw. Something to think about. How does that sin compare to a Holy, Righteous God? We all need salvation from our sins and Jesus is the One through whom it can be found...
"Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened,
That it cannot save;
Nor His ear heavy,
That it cannot hear.
2 But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
And your sins have hidden His face from you,
So that He will not hear."
Isaiah 59:1-2
"When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”
Mark 2:17
“The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel.”
Mark 1:15
"For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation." 2 Corinthians 6:2
Please friend, consider these things. Put your faith in Christ only, for your salvation. Your good works are filthy to the Lord. They will not get you into heaven on that day...
"But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, Have taken us away." Isaiah 64:6
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Now I drink apple juice.
For those of you that don't know me or haven't spoken to me in awhile, I got married in February of 2009 and am now a stepmom to two awesome kids - Nicholas, 7 and Alexandra, 6. I also have a nine-year old, Bailey. My husband adopted her in October of last year - an amazing answer to prayer.
When Bailey was 2 years old I got my first of two DUI's. When she was 3, I got my second. Alcohol was not something I struggled with until about 2001. I had other things that I struggled with (drugs, bulimia), but alcohol was something I only dabbled in socially. Over time, began to drink heavier and heavier. I would work until around nine or ten at night, I was a server/bartender (ironically enough!), at TGIFriday's at the time so access was not difficult. I knew that if I worked until at least nine, my baby would be in bed and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about staying out because I knew that she would be taken care of (disgustingly selfish, I know). I would then head off to the bar, spending the next 5 hours drinking and hanging out with "friends." These are people that I would have nothing in common with other than partying. After getting intoxicated I would get in my car and proceed to drive the 20-30 minute drive home. Drunk. Wasted. In a car. Most of the commute was on a highway. There are times that I think back to how many times I drove drunk and how many times I could've killed myself, or anyone else for that matter. I remember driving home from school one day and I realized the street that I lived off at the time is lined with telephone poles every 100 feet or so. I could have pummeled into any of those poles at any time. By God's amazing Grace, I was protected. As were all of the people that I passed on that narrow street.
How shameful my life was before Christ saved me. I chose to spend time at the bar instead of being with my daughter. I used my parents so I could get drunk every night. I made so much money but blew it on cigarettes and alcohol. Although there were stretches of time when I was sober (sometimes by choice, sometimes not), this continued on until 2008. 2008! Eight years of my daughter's life that I spent either drunk, hungover, or thinking about my next drink.
And now, less than 2 years later, not only have I reconciled my relationship with my daughter, but I have the amazing privilege of being a stepmom to two others! How unworthy I am! How amazing is He! Now, I must tell you, I haven't had a drink since November of 2008 but selfishness is still a struggle. I don't want it to seem like my attitude is that of someone who claims that salvation perfected me. Nope. I am a sinner, just one that has been saved by Grace. The sin doesn't go away. But, oh how He's changed my heart and made me want to be a Mom and not a drunk. Let me never take it for granted...
When Bailey was 2 years old I got my first of two DUI's. When she was 3, I got my second. Alcohol was not something I struggled with until about 2001. I had other things that I struggled with (drugs, bulimia), but alcohol was something I only dabbled in socially. Over time, began to drink heavier and heavier. I would work until around nine or ten at night, I was a server/bartender (ironically enough!), at TGIFriday's at the time so access was not difficult. I knew that if I worked until at least nine, my baby would be in bed and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about staying out because I knew that she would be taken care of (disgustingly selfish, I know). I would then head off to the bar, spending the next 5 hours drinking and hanging out with "friends." These are people that I would have nothing in common with other than partying. After getting intoxicated I would get in my car and proceed to drive the 20-30 minute drive home. Drunk. Wasted. In a car. Most of the commute was on a highway. There are times that I think back to how many times I drove drunk and how many times I could've killed myself, or anyone else for that matter. I remember driving home from school one day and I realized the street that I lived off at the time is lined with telephone poles every 100 feet or so. I could have pummeled into any of those poles at any time. By God's amazing Grace, I was protected. As were all of the people that I passed on that narrow street.
How shameful my life was before Christ saved me. I chose to spend time at the bar instead of being with my daughter. I used my parents so I could get drunk every night. I made so much money but blew it on cigarettes and alcohol. Although there were stretches of time when I was sober (sometimes by choice, sometimes not), this continued on until 2008. 2008! Eight years of my daughter's life that I spent either drunk, hungover, or thinking about my next drink.
And now, less than 2 years later, not only have I reconciled my relationship with my daughter, but I have the amazing privilege of being a stepmom to two others! How unworthy I am! How amazing is He! Now, I must tell you, I haven't had a drink since November of 2008 but selfishness is still a struggle. I don't want it to seem like my attitude is that of someone who claims that salvation perfected me. Nope. I am a sinner, just one that has been saved by Grace. The sin doesn't go away. But, oh how He's changed my heart and made me want to be a Mom and not a drunk. Let me never take it for granted...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Vanity?
So today, my pastor spent some time discussing the things that Jesus said while on the cross. He was only able to discuss two out of seven of them, but wow, what a powerful message. He spent the majority of the sermon discussing when Jesus said to God, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Pastor Eric said that often times we discuss the physical torture that Christ endured, but we don't talk so much about how much spiritual pain that He suffered as God forsook Him and what a mystery this is...
I mentioned on Facebook and have shared with a few people that I've shared the Gospel with that it seems to me that all of that suffering Christ endured is in vain if our good works are enough for God to be pleased with us. Why would Christ have been sent to earth and died the way He died if all we had to do is "be a good person." Who is a good person? Are you a good person? I'm not. Anything that is good in me is because God Himself put it there for me. How does one interpret some verses that contradict the statement that any human being is good? For example,
“There is none righteous, no, not one;
11 There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God.
12 They have all turned aside;
Romans 3:10-12
Or this one: “ The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9,
or this: "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away." Isaiah 64:6
The Truth is, my friends, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
I do not point finger at others and say, YOU alone have sinned, no, on the contrary, I realize the wickedness of my own heart and how deceitful it is and know that my only means of salvation is through the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. If I look at the Law of God (the 10 Commandments), and look at whether or not I've broken one, I would have to say unequivocally, yes! I have used the Lord's name in vain, I have lied and although I haven't physically murdered another, God equates hate with murder.
“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause[b] shall be in danger of the judgment". Matthew 5:21-22
Here I have looked at three of the ten commandments and have broken all three during some time in my life. The Bible says that, "For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all." James 2:10
So when you stand before God on the day appointed to you, will you be found innocent or guilty? Some people say, "Well, God is good and is Love and He will accept me." Okay, now if someone came into your house and murdered a loved one of yours and was put before a judge and the judge said, "Well, I'm a good judge and a loving judge and although you broke the law, I see that you're a good person, so I will let you go," you would be outraged! If God is good then He must punish our guilt.
Please examine yourselves, are you a good person? In the eyes of God Himself? There is a way to find right standing before God. Only one Way. His name is Jesus Christ. Won't you acknowledge your sin before Him, turn to Him today and put your faith on the sacrifice He made? Eternity is a very long time...
"Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
2 Corinthians 13:5
I mentioned on Facebook and have shared with a few people that I've shared the Gospel with that it seems to me that all of that suffering Christ endured is in vain if our good works are enough for God to be pleased with us. Why would Christ have been sent to earth and died the way He died if all we had to do is "be a good person." Who is a good person? Are you a good person? I'm not. Anything that is good in me is because God Himself put it there for me. How does one interpret some verses that contradict the statement that any human being is good? For example,
“There is none righteous, no, not one;
11 There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God.
12 They have all turned aside;
Romans 3:10-12
Or this one: “ The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9,
or this: "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away." Isaiah 64:6
The Truth is, my friends, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
I do not point finger at others and say, YOU alone have sinned, no, on the contrary, I realize the wickedness of my own heart and how deceitful it is and know that my only means of salvation is through the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. If I look at the Law of God (the 10 Commandments), and look at whether or not I've broken one, I would have to say unequivocally, yes! I have used the Lord's name in vain, I have lied and although I haven't physically murdered another, God equates hate with murder.
“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause[b] shall be in danger of the judgment". Matthew 5:21-22
Here I have looked at three of the ten commandments and have broken all three during some time in my life. The Bible says that, "For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all." James 2:10
So when you stand before God on the day appointed to you, will you be found innocent or guilty? Some people say, "Well, God is good and is Love and He will accept me." Okay, now if someone came into your house and murdered a loved one of yours and was put before a judge and the judge said, "Well, I'm a good judge and a loving judge and although you broke the law, I see that you're a good person, so I will let you go," you would be outraged! If God is good then He must punish our guilt.
Please examine yourselves, are you a good person? In the eyes of God Himself? There is a way to find right standing before God. Only one Way. His name is Jesus Christ. Won't you acknowledge your sin before Him, turn to Him today and put your faith on the sacrifice He made? Eternity is a very long time...
"Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
2 Corinthians 13:5
Thursday, March 18, 2010
My big pink elephant.
Big pink elephants are things that we do not acknowledge that we struggle with. And they actually grow if they are never acknowledged. They are just there...all the time. But no one talks about them. So, I shall go against the grain and talk about mine. My big pink elephant is not only pink, it has pretty bows on its tail, wears cool sunglasses and crazy hats. My big pink elephant is anger.
It's amazing how we make our downfalls to be prettier than they really are instead of acknowledging what they truly are. You can dress them up however you want but there's only so much you can do to cover up the ugly. Oh, and the stench! How stinky are elephants? There's not enough air freshener in the world to cover up the stench of my pink elephant. Anger and bitterness are not sweet smelling. They reek. And other people smell them - the people who are closest to us. They can't get away from the stench either. It follows us wherever we go.
Ahhh, but when we acknowledge our elephants and begin dealing with our own weaknesses before the Lord, He can wash us clean and the elephant starts to disappear. But there is no human soap good smelling enough, no deoderant "strong enough for a man, but made for an elephant," no power washer powerful enough to do for us what a cleansing from the Lord can do.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrightousness." 1John 1:9
It's amazing how we make our downfalls to be prettier than they really are instead of acknowledging what they truly are. You can dress them up however you want but there's only so much you can do to cover up the ugly. Oh, and the stench! How stinky are elephants? There's not enough air freshener in the world to cover up the stench of my pink elephant. Anger and bitterness are not sweet smelling. They reek. And other people smell them - the people who are closest to us. They can't get away from the stench either. It follows us wherever we go.
Ahhh, but when we acknowledge our elephants and begin dealing with our own weaknesses before the Lord, He can wash us clean and the elephant starts to disappear. But there is no human soap good smelling enough, no deoderant "strong enough for a man, but made for an elephant," no power washer powerful enough to do for us what a cleansing from the Lord can do.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrightousness." 1John 1:9
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Irony, At it's best.
So, I wrote my second post yesterday afternoon and I have to be honest, I am still learning what exactly blogging entails. So, I left my blog open and checked it throughout the day and even contemplated writing more. It was a good day all around, the little ones returned from their Mommy's house after 5 days, so it was great to see them. Wednesdays tend to be very busy transition days for all five of us and yesterday proved no different. Picked up the boy, came home to get the big one off the bus, got homework taken care of, one bath and started dinner (sounds more complicated than it really was). Waited for Daddy to come home which was even more special for the little ones because he was in California during their last visit. Had a really nice dinner with everyone present! : ) Then I had a moment. Well, a few moments, I should say. I acted childishly and rudely and selfishly - not to the children, but to the hubby. And the best part of all of it, is that when I sat at my computer a little while later, as my husband spoke so lovingly and patiently with me, I looked up at my computer screen and out of the corner of my eye, this is what I saw: "I've got so many planks in"....well, you know the rest.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Laziness and foolishness – hand in hand?
Something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember is laziness. Now, there have been times in my life that I stayed busy, but in my heart I was still lazy. And it seems that even now, as an adult with much responsibility, laziness lurks around the corner, trying to lure me in every day.
Since I began reading the Bible, about 7 ½ years ago, I have enjoyed reading the book of Proverbs. Someone told me once, and I’ve heard it many times since, that there are 31 Proverbs, one for each day of the month. So I go through seasons of my life when I try to read one Proverb a day. I realized today that the word “lazy” appears in the book of Proverbs (NKJV), 14 times. Fourteen! And let me just say, without listing all 14 references, that every one of them has a negative connotation (obviously). If the Bible is my guide in life, and I have the head knowledge that laziness is such a terrible attribute, why do I struggle still? Some days I am certainly more productive than others but too many days are wasted away. How much time is okay to waste when I have committed myself to a life of working for my Savior? I pray that He will continually change my heart so I may do more for Him.
“The way of the lazy man is like a hedge of thorns,
But the way of the upright is a highway.” Proverbs 15:19
But the way of the upright is a highway.” Proverbs 15:19
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I've got so many planks in my eyes, I could build an ark!
And so the blogging begins...tonight I begin to chronicle my life for everyone to see. And my disclaimer is also my title for this post, thanks to my husband. So you've been given fair warning;
I am removing said planks day by day as God changes me, and you all get to join me!!!
Aren't you so excited?
I am removing said planks day by day as God changes me, and you all get to join me!!!
Aren't you so excited?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
